With A Heavy Heart... In A Good Way.

Because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.

-Romans 8:14

"This is the story all about how my life got flip turned upside down, and I'd like to take a minute just sit right there" to tell you all about Jesus and the power of prayer. Yea I DEFINITELY just put the Fresh Prince of Bel Air lyrics in here in the most cheesy way ever haha butttt it's me :) besides you know you love my little ending. Anyway, this morning God showed me something, well I wouldn't really say showed me so much as slapped it into me, but either way it's there. So at our wonderful church there is a wonderful girl. I don't even know this girl's name but I see her every week, this girl is an amazing Christian. Every week she sits alone but she praises Jesus, she lifts up her hands and just lets go, she dances and sings at the top of her lungs and she is truly in love with God. Well today during "Lead Me To The Cross" she started crying, and I saw this. I'm the kind of person who when I see someone crying I have an instant need to hug them, but I rarely embrace this need unless I know the person. Well this morning it was more than a need it was an absolute must. I told Allie and Jenni about my need to hug this girl and they kind of chuckled at me because it's definitely not the first time I've made a statement like that. The next thing I know I'm sliding past Allie and into the aisle. "Ok God, what are you doing? Where am I going?" My steps were more firm then I think they've ever been in my life. I had no idea what was happening, I was completely out of control just on total auto pilot. I was not the one moving my feet, and the whole way there I tried to make myself stop, but I couldn't, I had NO idea what I was doing!! So all of a sudden I'm standing next to this girl praising alone and crying at this pew and I just told her that I really felt led to hug her and she immediately turned and gave into me. As I stood there hugging her she cried into my shoulder and something was set off inside of me. My heart felt like it had just been hit by a truck. I told her she was more than welcome to come sit with us and she told me that she might do that, but to my dismay she never did. But it still doesn't change the weight that is laying on my heart. For the rest of the day I've felt this intense.. pressure almost, but not a bad pressure just like this heavy.. thing on my heart. It's more physical then a broken leg, I can literally feel it resting inside of me. I started instantly struggling with what this meant for me, never before have I felt something like this, a pull this strong. I think I've realized that that's what I need to do. That's what God wants my life to be. I feel so led to the church and ministry that just I know that somehow that's what I need to do. I have no idea what exactly it is, just that it involves Him. Which is exciting and frightening at the same time. Since I was 3 years old I knew that I wanted to be a veterinarian. I've always had a passion for animals so what better way to express that passion than through being their doctor and saving their lives? All my life my parents and I have set a path to shape me and better me to reach my goal. Everything I've done in my life has been to prepare me for that. But now, just today, all of a sudden, that's been shaken up. In one day 13 years worth of planning and so called knowing have been flipped upside down. I have no idea what I need to do or be anymore. All I know is that I have a love for all people, I love EVERYBODY. I also love helping people, I love helping them figure out their problems and working through it with them, I love being a loyal and steady rock that people can turn to. But most of all, I love telling people about Jesus. I know now that somehow I need to satisfy all of these traits, and I don't know how to do that yet. I was talking to Camilla earlier and used the term "God Guidance Counselor" I think there would be no job more incredible for myself than to be able to listen to people and help them through God's word. I don't even know if there's a job like that out there for me, but I would love to find out. Yes I've already thought about Guidance Counselor In A Private School and I just don't think I could do that.. I don't think I could be in a school because I have no desire to be an authoritarian for kids other than my own, I just wanna be there for them, I just wanna help guide them. I don't know, you can rest assured that there will be much thought and prayer on this, Centrifuge you could not be coming at a more perfect time. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me and for Millbrook this next week but I know in my heart that it's gonna be incredible. :) 

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.

- John 16:13

Apple Of My Eye

Keep my commands and you will live; guard my teachings as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart. 

Proverbs 7:2&3

Lately I find myself worrying and thinking more about people than I do about God. This is definitely a no no. Although I may be facing struggles that require I good bit of prayer and attention, the last thing I need to do is lose sight of the only one who can save me from it all. I keep getting so frustrated with myself because as the days go bye, all I'm thinking about are people. I'll catch myself doing these things and shoot up a prayer but then I'm right back at it. I wish someone would just grab me and tell me to "STOP WORRYING!" It's like no matter how many times I blog about worry and giving it up to him, I still have issues with it. But you know what? That's ok. I'm not perfect, nobody is. Jesus was the only man to ever be completely perfect and free of sin. So it's ok to worry, and it's ok to lose your way every now and then. What I haven't been doing however is guarding His teachings, I keep letting them slip my mind or forgetting what He's already taught me and find myself having to relearn. I found that verse about keeping his teachings as the apple of your eye today and it caught my attention. Well I started studying it but when it really made an impact was when I read this little insert in my study bible that talked about how much we take care of and protect our eyes. Our entire bodies are equipped to protect your eye's center, the pupil, from harm. Your eyelids reflexively snap shut at the smallest hint of danger, your tear ducts are ready and constantly cleansing any irritiation that may approach and nerve endings are able to send alerts at just the slightest pain or pressure. God wants us to keep and protect His word and teachings as you would your eyes, in other words, guard His "teachings as the apple of your eye." 

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. - James 1:5

So say you don't have any of His teachings yet, that's ok too, after all you gotta start somewhere :) If you desire a relationship with God all you have to do is love Him. Treat Him like you would any relationship your in, take time to get to know Him, come to Him when you have a problem, and most of all trust him. God desires nothing more than to make YOU the apple of HIS eye. 

What we've learned today: Just because you've already learned something doesn't mean you should stop studying it and learning it over and over again. Don't let go of lessons God has shown or put you through, guard them in the apple of your eye.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

James 3:17

Take A Step Back

So I know it's been a while since I've posted, you'll have to excuse that, I've just gotten so busy! But no worries I'm back now :) haha I got the idea for this blog on Mother's Day actually and I'm JUST now getting around to it...

Most of us travel through life worrying about ourselves, our lives and those of the ones we love. We become so wrapped up in ourselves that we're focused on only our path, about how something effects us or what's going to happen to us. Yes those things are important, but that's not looking at the big picture. The way I've come to see it lately is that God is weaving one giant tapestry, the most ornately beautiful sight you could ever behold. Well in His tapestry each one of our lives is a thread. As humans we're zoomed in, all we can see is our thread and the threads closest to us. We are unable to grasp the entire picture. God has woven all of us together for a reason, we are where we are for a specific reason. But if we were able to just step back and look at His design, we all need each other. The design is so intricately laced that each one of us is connected somehow. God just never stops amazing me, everywhere you look people are connected in some way, and when it comes to it they're a support system. God wants us to have relationships, we are designed to do so, but that design goes so much deeper, because God knows before someone is even thought of their exact life. But not only does he know every detail of what that person will ever go through or feel, He knows every detail of what a person who interacts with that person or knows that person will go through or feel. Even further, He knows exactly what they'll need from each other, and everyone else ever to touch their life, and he choreographs their paths to intersect at exactly the right time. How HUGE is God?! I'm telling you I will never be able to wrap my mind around such enormity. So I guess what I'm trying to get at is, when you start to get self absorbed, where all you can think about is what's happening to you and what you're going through, just step back. Step back and just trust Jesus, I promise you He's got this. He knows what you need and even though you're not always gonna like it, and it's not always gonna feel good, "It's for you're own good." haha I know everybody's heard that one before. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.... 

Psalm 62:8-10

Poison Control

So I know I've already done a post on the dangers of anger, but I saw this on a friend's status the other day and it hit me at a really important time for me right now. It said:

"Being mad with somebody is like drinking a strong poison but expecting them to die"

It's not that I'm angry, I'm not mad at all actually. But I feel like we can substitute any bad feeling or emotion into that. For me it's jealous and wanting to be better and wanting them to hurt too and bitterness and wanting to win. But you know what? That's so un-Christian-like of me. All those feelings are is poison. They eat you from the inside out and destroy you. When you harbor feelings like that it hurts you just as much, if not more, than whoever it is your opposing. So why even feel them at all?

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every other form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

- Ephesians 4:31-32

Well we all know it's never an easy task to be nice to someone who is nothing but terrible to us. We will never have the same heart that Jesus has and be able to love someone so unconditionally and harbor no hate or bitterness. But we can try. I've had so many instances this week where I've found myself full of bitterness and rage and then just recently a sense of.. defeat.. Like I've failed. I hate all of those feelings, they hurt to be inside my body. So I started my bible quest as soon as my bible and I were reunited and as always it didn't disappoint. As soon as I flipped it open I was led to Jesus talking about Judas. Even though Judas betrayed Him in the most terrible of ways, Jesus still died for his sins, and for the sins of all of us. Jesus never felt hate or bitterness towards Judas or throughout His entire situation. That fact makes me step back and look at myself a little more. I am SO selfish to have bitterness inside of me. Who am I to judge another or hate? God is the only rightful judge. How hard does that hit? For me it hits pretty dang hard. I always find myself judging people I don't even know and I shouldn't.

Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt. Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.

- Leviticus 19:17&18

I don't know about you, but it's hard to completely forgive somebody of something horrible. If a friend stabs you in the back, how hard is it for us to forgive and love that person? That's really hard to do. I'm not the kind of person to hold grudges against somebody just because of something a person has done to me. But if you mess with my family or say something bad about them, it's all over in my mind. I will never look at someone who does that the same way and I'm learning that that's the wrong attitude to have. Revenge, although it may feel like such a desperate need, is not the right way to go. God said that we're not to "seek revenge or bear a grudge" but that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. That is so hard for me you guys, I'm struggling so hard with it, but I'm praying about it. I'm trying to get to a place where my heart is completely free of malice. Malice, according to good ol' dictionary.com, means the desire to inflict injury, harm, or suffering on another, either because of a hostile impulse or out of deep-seatedmeanness: the malice and spite of a lifelong enemy.

I think it's safe to say that we've all had a time in our lives when we've wanted revenge. Maybe not in the physical sense, but you just want the person who has wronged you to feel some sort of pain, like the pain that you've endured. I may be wrong, but I feel like most people have been there. I mean you already know that I have haha so basically from here on out I am going to stop and catch myself anytime I feel bitterness or a desire for malice, and I'm going to remind myself of this post and the verses within it. Let's look at this one last time just to wrap it up,

"Being mad with somebody is like drinking a strong poison but expecting them to die"

I'm done drinking the poison. Are you?

FaceBook

So on my way to pick up Kasey this morning for Chik-fil-a and FCA I passed a church sign that read, "Facebook means you will see God's face when you read His book." How true is that! I just thought that was the coolest thing ever. Well it got me thinking and about how often people put other PEOPLE before God by living on facebook and reading about other people's lives for hours rather than sitting down and reading about God at all. I'm not gonna lie to you and say I don't sit on facebook for insane amounts of time and get completely ADD but I'm sure gonna think about it more. See I left my bible at the farm Sunday and have been entirely lost without it these past few days, we should however be reunited by tonight. :) But back to my point! I just loved that sign. The bible is my all time favorite book, it's got wayyy more answers than any dictionary or encyclopedia could ever give you. How awesome is that?! I just never cease to be amazed by that fact haha. 

 

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

John 1:1

 

Therefore, you see God's face when you read His word because he IS his word! *Insert Twilight Zone Music Here* God is everything. That's a mind blower if you ask me. The point is that a lot of non-believers have difficulty grasping God because they can't see Him, they can't touch him. But they can! God dwells in every person who has opened their heart to Him and let Him make His home there, any God consumed person that you touch was created by Him, any word of the bible you see is His face. God is the creator of everything ever to exist. 

Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made.

John 1:3

Instead of reading our newsfeeds for the latest goings on in our friend's lives, why don't we just try this week to read God's newsfeed. Instead of being so quick to jump on facebook when you're bored, dive head first into His word. Nothing makes Him happier than being with us :) So I'm gonna give Him that much. Nothing I could give Him could ever amount to what Jesus has given and gives us but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try my hardest to give Him everything I've got!

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

Psalm 119:105

Keep Your Eye On The Prize

"We are His portion and He is our prize, 

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes" 

Yep, there's that song again :) I'm tellin you I love it! haha So if you haven't already guessed this post is about keeping your eyes on the prize. Today I've found myself wondering pointless things like: "How is my weekend gonna work out?" or "I wonder how so and so is doing." or just really stupid stuff like facebook and things that don't really matter. Basically getting wrapped up in everyday life and caring more about material things than anything else, things that were good for me. When really I should have been thinking of Him, or talking to Him. I know He's thinking of me constantly, waiting patiently for our conversations, but today I feel like I've just been letting Him down with my selfishness. 

I keep having to remind myself that these earthly things that fill my life aren't important. They are not anywhere near as important as Him. I keep catching myself letting my mind wander to worries. But why should I worry? God's got it covered. 

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

- Matthew 6:33&34

That's sort of my problem, I find myself seeking out other things before Him, when in the long run, which is really gonna be there for me? The friends that I won't know ten years from now, or my Creator and Father who loves me? I know I have several friends that I'll still be friends with in the far future, but some of those friends that consume my time, they won't be there. That's heartbreaking for me but when you think about it, that's just how life works. People grow up, people move on, and people change. God is unchanging, God is unwavering, and most importantly, God is in control. 

So let's strive this week to keep our eyes on the prize, I know I'm going to. Jesus is worth the time and effort to build that strong everlasting relationship with. Because unlike most earthly relationships, God loves us unconditionally. No matter how much we ignore Him or hurt Him, he always takes us back. So personally I'm gonna strive not to hurt Him, in fact I refuse to hurt him, I've fallen so deep in love with Jesus that I can't imagine ever breaking His heart. Just like you wouldn't want to break the heart of a loved one, for me it's not any different. Jesus is my love, and He has my heart, and I have His, and we will never hurt each other. 

Remember that you can always trust Jesus with your heart, when other people let you down and break it, even when you feel irreparable, He'll mend you. :) How great is our God?? 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

- Proverbs 3:5&6

An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.

- Proverbs 12:25

Sounds Like A Plan Stan

Ok, so I just wanna start by saying God is awesome. I can't even fully wrap my mind around what just happened. I'd say I would start at the beginning but that would mean going all the way back to my birth. Which I mean, I'll tell anybody the entire story of my life if you just ask, but that's much too long for a blog post. If you read the post before this you know how impacted my heart was last night. So, I'll start my story earlier today to catch you up on what's going on in my life. 

Earlier today my friend Jenni wrote on my facebook wall about my blog saying that it had touched her. Well I wrote back of course thanking her and encouraging her, and then that was that. Later that day I found her blog and began to read it, only to discover that her older sister Kaitlyn, whom she had blogged about, was on my swim team early this year. I sent her a quick chat message asking if the girl on my team and her sister were the same girl and she informed me that they were and I proceeded to talk about how the world is just so amazingly small. Little did I know the extent of that expression just then. We talked some more about her sister and how her life is different due to her down syndrome and how I never payed enough attention to things like this when I should have. Then that was that.

Later, Jenni sends me a chat (Which most likely would not have been sent if I hadn't felt so strongly about Kaitlyn and felt that deep need to chat her) telling me she has a new blog post up and I hurry to read it. (You can find her blog here) It's basically a run down of her night last night and how it effected her deeply and she now wants to be baptized. Well now people, I know I haven't shared with anyone what I've been pondering for the last month or so, but I've been seriously thinking about baptism myself. Although I was baptized about a year or so ago, it wasn't really personal. It was something that we did as a family and was mainly encouraged by my Dad's desire. 

Well the past month or so I've been wondering if that even counted for me at all. Ha, counted for me, like it's some fare to get into heaven, no that's not it at all. I think people have a misconception about baptism and think that as long as they've been baptized they're safe from Hell. But that's not how it works, you have to confess Jesus as your Lord and Savior for admittance through those pearly gates, and I'm ready to stand in front of the congregation and publicly devote myself to him. I've always been open about the fact that I've made mistakes and have a rough past. I thank God for my 180 everyday. I was in the complete wrong crowd doing the complete wrong things. But now, I've been saved and rescued from that past. Like the lost sheep, and coin, and son. I've been found. And I want nothing more than to be cleansed and start fresh with Jesus Christ. 

Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. - Mark 16:16

Sweet Jenni had no idea any of this was going on in my life. None. As I was reading her blog I knew I had to tell her, and I am SO glad I did. After discussing it we both realized we need each other as support systems, and we're gonna go through this together. I'm so excited and amazed by the Lord. His plan overcomes all others anyone could ever have. I've decided enormity is a good word. I can not get over this yall. Just thinking that if my dad hadn't gone back to Chiropractic school and taken us to Spartanburg, which then led to Aiken. Where i was then put in swim team, some what involuntarily but I'm so glad it happened. (Where I met Kaitlyn, who just connected me to Jenni.) However, after swim team my life took a turn in a bad way and I went down hill, turning to just about every bad thing I could do and holding on trying to find joy in it. 

Skip a month or so in advance to Kasey and Cassidy being in my Spanish class, inviting me to Millbrook. It took.. I don't even know how many invites before I accepted and went to Sunday school and church which was later followed by The Rock, and that first day I fell in love. I've been going every Sunday since, unless I'm out of town which doesn't count :P ANYWAY back to the point of this, without God putting Kasey and Cassidy into that class with me I might not have ever gone to Millbrook (Or met Jenni).

Skip forward some more to the lockout where John and I first somewhat met. We didn't really talk but he messaged me the next day on facebook and we talked all day every day after that until I had a full blown crush on this boy. John has impacted my life and changed me in a way that no other person I've ever known has done. If it weren't for him helping me in that last little push, I know I wouldn't be where I am with God today. I'm so thankful for him. 

Skip to today, where I read Jenni's blog, Jenni and I need eachother, God knew that, God knew that before either of us were even born. God knew the exact layout of my life and exactly what I would do wrong and what he would need to lay the groundwork for in advance. How huge is that? I can't even understand all of it at all. I know I'm leaving countless details out that God knows that I just can't even fathom or begin to imagine or connect. It's like everytime I think about this more I find more and more things that He has done to get me where I am today. 

I can't wait to be baptized with Jenni and go through this adventure with her. I'm so thankful to God for lining up both of our paths so that we can go through this together and support each other, because He knew, before the beginning of time, that we would need each other. I just can't stress that enough at all.. Every painful move that I've been through, every mistake I've made, it was all to get me close to Him in a way I've never felt before. I feel Him in my heart in a way I've never felt before. I CAN NOT wait to be baptized and complete that final step in getting to Him. :)

I know I've already used this verse, at least I'm pretty sure I have, but I love it so here it is again.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

- Proverbs 16:9