What Now?

Everyone is familiar with disappointment, we experience it all the time. Whether it be because someone let us down, or something as simple as plans not working out. Disappointment is everywhere. While some people handle it better than others it's never the easiest thing in the world. For example, I tend to be one of the people who looks up and says "Why God?" when things don't go how I'd planned or expected. But what I'm realizing I should be saying is "What now, God?" OF COURSE that isn't easy at all, especially when you're angry or hurt or your heart is broken, but then again no one ever said it was. I'm trying to learn that when I'm upset, complaining to everybody and their brother is not the right way to go. Nobody likes a whiner. So rather then be that complainer when something's gone wrong, why not just take it all to God? God would rather us pour out our hearts to him then keep that bitterness inside. Besides, God has the power to change, our friends we share our problems with however do not. He already knows the future and exactly what needs to be done, not Suzie Q. 

Here my prayer, O Lord; let my cry for help come to you 

-Psalm 102:1

So basically I just need to ask for help when I'm feeling down or discouraged by something, well that's easy enough, but it's not. Not for me anyway. I've always been the kind of person who has to have a confidant, or someone to tell all of my troubles to. The majority of my life that person has been and remains my best friend/sister, Blakely. Although she's always been a reliable reality check and most always told me what I needed (not wanted) to hear, maybe complaining to her all the time isn't my best option. Maybe crying to her over stupid things is not the way to go. Well duh Rachel, everybody knows that. Hey now, this is new for me. :) So, though my outbursts that I undoubtably drop at her feet like a puppy with a broken toy usually end with some much needed advice, I'm gonna try and stop relying so much on that. I really do think God's worked through her for me on more than one occasion though. How else could she so perfectly say what my heart needed? Obviously she's my best friend and has known me for about 9.5 years now, so that definitely helps, but I know for a fact He's worked through her. 

So here comes the "What now?" Wow that's definitely a hard one and it's going to remain a hard one until I get used to it haha. I realize I can't expect an outright reply, no Morgan Freeman commentary is going to randomly burst into my life and tell me exactly what needs to be done. But lemme tell you, that would definitely be ok with me :) No, as always you gotta turn to the bible. It's called the Living Word for a reason you know. Every time I look at a verse that I saw before it has a completely different meaning to me that applies to whatever it is I'm going through. Which just amazes me in and of itself. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

-Phillippians 4:6-7

Therefore ladies and gentlemen you must complain to him :) it says so right there. Well maybe not complain exactlyyy, but it does say to bring it to Him with thanksgiving. This is where I bring in the "What now?" As in, "Ok here it all is God, everything in my life right now that I just can't bare alone, so what now? What's next?" I can't wait to use this question, to have the opportunity to say this to Him. Yea that means I'm gonna have to face disappointment in the process but I think it's more than worth a little disappointment to get close to Him and let him run my life.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

- Proverbs 16:9

Wallie

Wallie was my 3rd birthday present and I can't possibly think of a better present that I've ever received in my entire life. I wanna do a post devoted to him later but for now I just want to list the things I loved about him.

- He was insanely protective

- Loyal

- He loved unconditionally

- He loved cat food

- He and Peaches, my cat, secretly loved eachother and didn't like the whole dog chases the cat business

- He loved Sierra until the day he died, and she will always love him

- He's always taken care of me or tried so hard to

- Hot boggy dog breath in the backseat of the car on long trips

- The sloppy nose prints all over my back windows 

- The cone of shame

- The way he would lock himself in the bathroom every 2 seconds, I'll miss that more than anything.. and he actually figured out how to get out like last week.. 

- His sad eyes that could get him anything he wanted

- His willingness to do whatever you wanted him to do

- How he always ate the cat's food if it were ever in reach

- The way he'd pop his nose under your hand to make you pet him

- His long long nose

- When little kids on the beach would tell their parents that their was a "lion"

- His sneakiness when stealing food

- His willingness to give his pillow to Sierra even though he was in pain

- His attempt to mask his pain and hold on just for us

- He and Sierra playing in the snow in Spartanburg

- The way he greeted me at the door 

- His dislike of swimming and water

- The way he wandered aimlessly, checking on everyone in the house

- How he stayed up all night guarding us and then slept all day while we were away

- The beacon bark

- How he would follow us all the way across the farm, when he could

- When Cleo was lost all we had to do was walk Wallie down to the woods and he would run out

- When Grandma hugged me too tight once and he barked at her until she stopped

- The time he ate the corned beef that took forever to cook

- The click clack of his nails on tile

- He was a fighter

- Never in all his years did he ever catch a piece of food thrown to him because his nose was just too long

- How he would walk right next to you and never stray, or you could open the door and he wouldn't walk out until prompted as well as back in

- His complete innocence

- The way he would tattle on himself or Sierra, he could never hide guilt and he felt guilt

- He was my playmate, my love, my sibling, my bestfriend, the light of my life.

- No matter how mad I got I could never stay made at his sad eyes

- He would smile at people, with his mouth and his eyes

- He could tell a good person from a bad one

- He could sit and stay and shake 

- When you'd give him baths and his poof ball hair would deflate revealing his little rat body :)

- The way he knew when something was wrong

- The way he tried to comfort me

- As much as he hurt in the end he still pushed himself to walk and keep up with us, and fought not to let go

- Again, he was a fighter.

- His hair looked straight but when he shed it, it was tight crimped looking curls

- The way my back would ache because he took so long to bathe

- How he would lay there and let you brush him for hours

- His calmness

- The way he loved children 

- His tolerance

- His gullibility

- His trust

- Cheeto legs

I need to try and get some sleep, but these are just a few reasons why I will ALWAYS love Wallie the collie..

Wallie, the sheepish collie, Wallie, he's always tryin to be a wild and wholly collie. Wallie the sheepish collie.

Wallie wherever you are, I hope you're running.. I hope you feel no more pain and you can jump and chase squirrels.. I love you so much Wallie, I miss you already.. 

Pigeon: Impossible, really cute video :)

dANGER

Ephesians 4:26 Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.

Anger and Danger are not so different when you think about it. When most people think of danger they think of an instance where they could be harmed, physically. Well anger is an instance where someone can be harmed too, hopefully not physically but sometimes it comes to that. Anger is in my opinion one of the most dangerous emotions equipped to the human mind. Those who are quick to anger find themselves full of regret and remorse upon lashing out, but you don't have to be quick to anger to feel this self-condemnation. Everybody gets mad, it's 100% natural. The danger comes in how we handle our anger. If you allow yourself to be overwhelmed by your fury then you're in a hazardous situation.

Proverbs 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.

God even tells us it's better for us to be patient than it is for us to have any amount of power or strength; and further that it's better for us to control our temper and calmly handle things than it is to take action. God wants us to be docile even in anger. This is absolutely no easy feat for me, when I'm angry, which I can't say happens to terribly often anymore, but when I am I lose control. I have no control over my tongue or my actions causing me to have strong regrets when all is said and done. 

Proverbs 15:18 A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel. 

So I think it's very clear what I need to work on for this week haha, though I 

know that my patience has improved drastically, my temper however has yet to be 

examined. When I look back at any argument I've ever had in my life that I've

snapped back or lashed out in, never has it gone well, it only makes it worse. I only

wish that I would have known all of this sooner, but alas you learn from every

mistake you make :) I know I do anyway. So my challenge for myself is to not lash

back, even upon being attacked, I'm going to force myself to remain calm and

patient, trusting in the Lord to give me the right thing to say or do.

 Colossians 3:8 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.

Self Control

Ok so, all I can say is it's gonna be a long chapter in Sociology, for however long it takes. Hopefully not too long. We started the Religion chapter today, it's as intense as it sounds. I'm not even sure how to handle it. We were instructed to be objective listeners throughout the entire chapter and not "force our views" on others. While that's never been the easiest for me, and sitting in front of an atheist is not helping matters. My heart wants so badly to help him and introduce him to Jesus and show him the light that is God. But, I'm not sure how to approach it with him. He's.. one of the more.. obnoxious people I know and usually always has something to say about everything. I won't lie and tell you I'm not intimidated. I kept my cool the majority of the time today (though I was simmering on the inside) up until the point where a Christian girl in the video we were watching was giving a testimony about how God had changed her life and saved her from her sins in sex and drugs and rescued her from depression. I know that's 100% possible because he's done it for me, not in every aspect this girl was talking about of course but he's rescued me from my lowest point and changed my life forever. I was fine until the boy started going off about this girl saying some pretty mean things, and I couldn't keep silent anymore, I know I probably should have handled it very differently but I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I turned around and told him that it is possible and I've been through it and implied without saying that he needed to close his mouth. I feel terrible about the harshness of my words when I said them, but it did it's purpose and he shut his mouth. Thank goodness I was literally 'saved by the bell' at that point and left without another word. 

Ultimately this is gonna be a rough time for me in what has been my favorite class all year. Prayers and any scripture or advice are much needed haha

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; 
       keep watch over the door of my lips.

[Psalm 141:3]

 

The Now

So if you know me you know that I've moved around.. a lot haha For the most part it's wonderful, I love meeting new people and making new friends, and the moving has caused me to have friends all over South Carolina. However there's a downside to that as well. I've been feeling really homesick lately for my friends in Spartanburg and it's just been really rough. So I decided I'd go to God, because after all he has all the answers. Well after an hour or so of hunting for a verse that related to what I needed I just couldn't find what I was searching for. That is, until I got some help from the ever so lovely Lauren Rudd. :) Within what seemed like no time at all I'd explained what it was I was looking for and she came back with at least 6 or 7 options of verses that suited my exact situation. There's not a doubt in my mind that God is working in that girl. 

But back to the point, about two nights ago I was having one of those homesick moments and basically torturing myself living in the past and trying to relive old memories. So as I was sitting there thinking about my life and friends up there I started to wonder about this path God has me on. I began questioning it and trying to take over and control it for myself. Of course that isn't the right attitude and there are countless pieces of scripture to support that. In trying to choose just one as an example, I'm finding it a very difficult task because I feel like every verse was written for me. Luckily, I've finally narrowed it down to two: :)

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

There you have it, God is working for me, for what I need and for my good, and I've been called here according to his purpose. This I fully believe, if it weren't for my moving here who knows where I would be? In my mind, Lexington was the place I grew up phsyically, Spartanburg where I grew up mentally, and now Aiken where I've grown up spiritually. If God hadn't led my family here I don't know that I would have the relationship with Him that I do, and that in and of itself is heartbreaking to me. I'm absolutely in love with Jesus and never want to lose him.

 Psalm 118:24 This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Humans are meant to live in the present, learning from their pasts, and trusting God with their future. Well in my opinion that sounds much easier than it is. It's so easy for us to hold grudges or long for something that is no more. In my case it's longing for good ol' Sparklecity and the people along with it of course. :) So I've decided to attempt to live in the present haha It's a challenge for me to say the least. Of course I'm always going to remember the people I love and think of them, but I just have to learn to stop feeling sorry about it. This is my home now, for however short or long a time, this is where God has me. Not Spartanburg. Not Lexington. Aiken. So enough pining for the one's I've left behind, they're forever in my heart, but it's more than time to move on and start living in the now.

 I've gotten to a point where I love Spartanburg and Aiken equally and if asked to choose I'm not sure it would be possible. Every place I've ever been plays a serious role in the person I am today and I would never take anything back for a do-over.

 

This is a verse that Lauren found that's from an extra book in a Jewish bible or something like that but it's a great quote!

^{Ecclesiasticus 9:10} Forsake not an old friend; for the new is not comparable to him: a new friend is as new wine; when it is old, thou shalt drink it with pleasure. 

Mapless

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

[Jeremiah 29:11]

Wow. This verse has taken on a whole new meaning for me lately. I've always been the kind of person who needs to learn for themselves, usually the hard way, and make more than several mistakes along the way. But I'm also the kind who learns from the mistakes and most of the time lives without regret. But I found this verse the other day and boy did it hit me in an entirely different way. Growing up Christian there's the verses you hear all the time, this being one of them, and unfortunately I had never quite given this much thought. Now that I'm older however and really reading verses for what they are I'm realizing a deeper meaning. "For I know the plans I have for you.." Well ok, so you have plans for me, but no, it doesn't stop there. "..Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." There's the WOW for me. Not only does God have my life planned out, he knows exactly what I need and wants me to succeed.

Although it's hard most of the time, I'm making a vow to myself to let go. I watch people who are constantly living in the "What if?" and I find myself lumped in there too at times. Always over thinking and wishing they would have done something differently. You also see people wanting desperately for something they think will make them better or help them reach a goal, but when the opportunity is lost for whatever reason, those people get angry or depressed and revert to the "What if?" "What if things had gone my way?" But that's exactly the problem. They're wanting things to go their way rather than the path God has set for them. Now don't think I'm trying to say I've got it figured out and never question or say 'what if,' in fact I think I may be the worst what if-er of them all at times. But I'm learning to trust in Him more and accept what happens in my life. After all who am I but one God has created? He's placed every obstacle and choice in my path to mold me in the way that He wants me to be. That is nothing short of amazing to me :)